Alas, fellow grogans and groganettes, the time has come to speak of a serious matter, a very, very, serious matter.
From two entirely separate incidents on different sides of the world, it is clear that we need to institute some tight forms of… gun control.
Two completely innocent hunters have been viciously shot by their dogs. The fact that the Callous Canines were able to take such action is merely the latest in a highly worrying trend. Reports are emerging of Cocker Spaniels carrying concealed weapons inside of those long, floppy ears. Gangsta rappers have posses of Pit Bulls and Doberman Pincers, all carrying sawn-off shotguns. My parents’ Corgis had a long history of home invasion, splitting the loot to support their crack habits (the dogs’ crack habits – Mummy and Daddy were content with heroin and crystal meth). It is widely believed that in the infamous Dick Cheney shooting incident, Cheney was blamed for what was actually an attempted assassination by the lapdog that had secreted itself in a pocket of Cheney’s shooting vest (although I am still confused by exactly how a vest can commence shooting).
The time has come, grogans and groganettes. We must unite in this Glorious Cause – no more gun sales to canines. Mitt Romney assures us that his very first action on reaching the White House shall be to force legislation to ban any form of firearms to canines, or at least, only made available to them under strict controls. But we cannot wait that long. Oh President Obama, saviour of the Free World, lead the way in clamping down on these Killer Canines.
Do not be fooled, my fellow groganians. Take notice next time you see one of these fiends, running around madly, drool dripping from mouths that are gaping wide in pretence of a doggy grin. That is really just the Canine Killers working themselves up into a berserker rage, getting to commence on an orgy of murder and mayhem.
Why not go the whole hog? Not just guns, remove all weapons from the Pernicious Pooches. Make our inner suburban streets and hunting grounds in the forests once more the safe haven they used to be. Bring back the days when the casual hunter could happily let rip with his AK-47 in duck hunting season, free from worry that his Curly Retriever was about to plunge a Jim Bowie knife into his back. Allow our drug dealers to run wild in their natural habitat without their heads being blown off by heavies from the Molestating Mutts. Allow humanity to once more be the harmless, earth-loving species that we used to be before we were corrupted by the Demonic Dog.
Stay tuned for next week’s exposé on Feline Sex Trafficking. Do you really know what your kitty is getting up to?